What The Characters Have To Say
by Bondariana
Summary: Ever wondered how the characters feel about what J.K. did to them in the 5th book? Actually all the books? Now you can find out…
1. HP, RW, D7

What the Characters Have To Say

Summary: Ever wondered how the characters feel about what J.K. did to them in the 5th book? Actually all the books? Now you can find out…

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. J.K. and she has killed them mercilessly. Doesn't mean that I'll stop reading the books though. The views expressed are purely those of the author's.

Beta: siriusly137

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Harry Potter 

Background info: Harry Potter is 16 going into the 6th book of the series named after him. He enjoys lawn bowels, watching cricket and ironing clothes. Total ponce and poof of course.

Well, Joanne was always kind of mean to me when you look at the books. I mean, I was always geeky and kind of unattractive. So I was like a retard in the first book. I always made stupid mistakes. And well – I can't play chess anyway so that didn't really effect me. But making my touch burn a man. Quirrel was a really nice guy. So is Voldemort but she's just so mean to them. Why do they always have to harm me or me them? --questioning face--

So in the second book, it was kind of strange. I was more of a loner and off on my own. My friends were stranger too. And then there was that poor house elf, Dobby. Look at what she did to him – totally unacceptable. And that sock was disgusting. And why is it always the Quidditch games that get cancelled. It was like she was blaming everything on me that book.

The third book was slightly better. It was turning out better and everything. Then she had to introduce a girl. I mean Cho is really nice and everything, but haven't I suffered enough already --mournfully waving arms about--. My whole personality was being deformed. And Sirius, adding him was just looking for trouble. --sighs mournfully--

Fourth book. This is where J.K. really showed her true colours. Why did my friends suddenly start hating me? And then the thing with the dragon? And the merpeople? And Krum! What was with that! And of course – the girl I liked had to go with someone else. I'm feeling a lot like a victim here. It like she's manipulating my life or something! Can't anything go right for me! AT ALL! And then she killed Cedric… he was such a nice boy. J.K. probably finally realised how cruel she was being to me and decided to give me an actual chance at a girl. J.K. is truly wrong. --chews lip--

So when the 5th book came out – I was hopeful, maybe she could do something good with it. But no. the book is sooo long winded. It could have been so much shorter for one. And then Umbridge came in. She's actually a really nice old lady. She'd prefer to make cookies for everyone with the house elves then ever teach a class. She is such a granny. She was almost like the family I never had. She was the most motherly figure in the book. Even more so then Mrs Weasley. Any way. J.K. obviously got fed up with me. She turned me into a hormonal raging teenager. Girlfriend chances flew out the window. I became thick headed and stupid. I killed Sirius – nicest bloke I've ever known. My only 'written' family. Was she angry at me or something? --starts sobbing uncontrollably--

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Ronald Weasley 

Background info: Ronald Weasley is the rebel of his family. Not even meant to be in this series at first but no on else could get it. High on dope continuously and suffers from bad withdrawal symptoms. Likes girls, smoking and getting high.

Hey dude? Wanna cig? Right ok. I always ended up the sidekick with Jo. That all she ever did for me, ya know what I mean?

Anyway – in the first book I was like brother number 7 at the school. Loser no 7 more like it. And I had that stupid smudge of dirt man. It was sad. I was a creep in that first book. I was dumb as. And that Harry kid – he was strange dude. What she did to him – not nice at all…

So second book. It was like – I'm here and I'm queer! Get used to it. Dude, Jo totally stuffed me. I was like a protective older brother – deformed man. Kids should have their own freedom. But no – I had to be a control freak.

Third book was where I got rejected from the story. Jo was so mean to me then. All I could do was be the dumb side kick. Just a kick in the side! snort, snort get it. Right. I missed out on practically everything.

Fourth book she turned me into a jealous bastard dude. It was like I became a sex crazed freak or something who thought that if he was as famous as his friend he would get laud young. What is J.K. on? I recommend crack.

Anyway – fifth book was where she turned everyone upside down. From being my own man – I went to helpless follower of the trend. That is not cool dude. I was like --pauses momentarily to figure out right word-- a sheep!

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Dementor No. 7

Background info: Not meant to be here.

raspy voice-- me…. From … lord of rings… not meant to be here… Joanne.. not… nice…. BAGGINSSSS!


	2. HG, VC, AD

What The Characters Have To Say

Disclaimer: i do not own anything, i am not making any money from this story.

Chapter 2

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Hermione Granger

Background info: Hermione Granger is actually a 17 year old girl who looks 10. She smokes, does drugs and is addicted to sniffing trees. She hates books.

I personally have no idea what the f--- oh, right sorry – no swearing (stuff you). Hell Joa has done to the characters in her books. I mean – they were retarded to start off with but now they're just plain plain wrong… Come on – the day I start liking books is the day that hell becomes heaven and freezes.

Right – the first book. Originally I was just going to be a basically brilliant girl who lived in a library. But then she found out what I was really like. All she knew was that I had a book obsession – yeah, I can't stop burning them. I mean, who can resist – they are so evil and really burnable! So instead my character became a book addict. Acting that was the hardest part… completely impossible to work with. I pity poor Harry though. He is such a follower – of course he would do everything Joa said and only complain in private to you about how he truly feels. He really should try to get his mind off it with a good gang bang. –snorts at own joke--

In the second (YES I loved this one!) I got to be unconscious for the most part. It was so good. --gives herself a high five—I wasn't around books as much so my already taught nerves could rest just a tiny bit. Anyway, my favourite even though Joa has started down on her road of character destruction already – it was fun.

This one was strange, oh, I mean the 3rd. everything kinda went up again after Joa's declining decline. I have to say this one was the best – even if Harry and Ron were suffering cause – I know you know but I'm going to tell you anyway – I got to punch in Ferret boys face.

The 4th killed me. What was she doing. I became meek – inclined to read every spare moment and oh my god was I itching to pull out my lighter. But no – I was a goody goody who looked out for her weaselly friends, even if Ron is a good shag for a young guy.

In the 5th Ron and I really started to suffer, do you have any idea of how much pain we went through. That book was crap. Joa totally destroyed our everything. I am so not living in a library or going to support a weakling friend for the rest of my life just because he can't control his own temper and heroic sensor. What has Joa done to us?

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Vincent Crabbe

Background info: Loves Library's. Lives in one. Already has a degree in psychology at the age of 13. Genius level intelligence.

I feel that Miss Rowling has made these books into something horrible. I haven't the faintest idea of what to do – she is pulling apart her carefully made webs of lies and deceit to unravel a story that shouldn't be suitable for the fragile minds of children today.

Miss Rowling has done many disastrous things in her novels. Death is not something that should be shown freely in her books. Children can be harmed by the early introduction of cruelty into their lives.

I was mortally offended when Miss Rowling made me a dumb brute in the first book. I do not believe someone of my intelligence could be such a follower or such a troubled mind. Though I do pity Mr Potter for all the pain and suffering Miss Rowling is putting him through.

In the second I was still the same character (very disappointing for someone of my calibre), and dumb as ever, despite my normal high intelligence.

Third and fourth followed those same tracks and now, in the fifth I seem to have dwindled from the picture to give way to newer characters (of which Miss Rowling creates plenty) that may over run the original parts in the end. These characters are really very nice in real life (Mrs Umbridge is very kind to everyone) and they do not deserve the cruelty that Miss Rowling is showing to them.

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Albus Dumbledore

Background info: Fearsome pirate of the southern sea. Like blood, guts and saying Arrr at the top of his lungs. Ugly with lots and lots of scars.

Arrr! You young blighters should be being whipped in schools and not allowed to read on these beeping contraptions. Anyway (ARRRRK! We need to sail ahoy! parrot on shoulder), Row – the strange woman that she is – has the right idea with the books. Lots of gore and tragedy! Just what the world needs.

The thing that I found wrong though – I was a sentimental pile of carp. It just did not work for my image – but I was bribed (I do accept them freely as long as they are of a high standard) with a new boat and many doubloons. Arrrr!

Somehow – Row has managed to show my stiff and powerful side through the later books instead of just the old crappy stuff that shouldn't be there. My senile state in the books has caused me to reinstate my authority over the southern sea's during my work breaks.

The fifth book was by far the worst sentimental one. I became an even more caring piece of dog turds (I was told not to swear as some children might be reading this on their own beeping thingamajigs).

Row has done a spectacular job with her torturing and killing descriptions – I would have loved to have seen that young'n killed in a flash. Pity I didn't though. Row should make it more gory! Arrrr!

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AN:

again i am truly sorry about any typo's or anything else. Please review!


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